Co-dependency is a learned pattern passed down in families. Co0dependency is an unbalanced emotional or behavioral pattern where you try to find your personal worth, safety, and identity by managing, rescuing, or pleasing others.

It starts in dysfunctional homes where one caregiver takes or requires much of the attention and resources within the family.

Example: Dad may be volatile and often displays anger outbursts, struggle with addiction, present inconsistent or unpredictable mood swings, etc.

The other caretaker will often become the enabler/caretaker of the first caregiver.

Example: Mom will display various caretaking strategies to tolerate and survive with a partner who is volatile including continually trying to soothe dad’s mood so he doesn’t explode, demonstrate and model how to ‘tip toe’ around dad, tolerate and support addiction problems and behaviors, keep the kids quiet so they do not upset the dad, etc.

Volatile, unpredictable and inconsistent home enivornments have significant psychological impact on children. Children experience sense of intense fear, abandonment and rejection, develop self hate/loathing, suffer from low self-esteem and value, and develop insecure attachment due to their emotional or physical needs not being met.

These children learn to ignore or avoid their own hard feelings and struggle to set healthy boundaries.

They often take on the role of being “caretakers” themselves in relationships, repeating the family pattern. As adults, they often choose partners with similar problems including addiction, mental illness, violence—because caring for someone else, rescuing a loved one, lessens their fear of being abandoned or ending up alone.

People who struggle with co-dependency often caretake, feel resentful for caretaking the unhealthy behaviors of their partner and retailiate with anger or emotionally withdraw/resign in relationships but struggle to leave the unhealthy relationship.

People with co-dependency usually struggle with:

• People-pleasing: Sacrificing personal needs to keep others happy or avoid conflict.

• Enmeshment: A lack of clear boundaries where personal identity and emotions blur with another person's.

• Caretaking / Rescuing: Feeling compelled to fix, save, or solve other people's problems.

• Enabling: Shielding someone from the consequences of their destructive behavior (often linked to addiction).

• Hyper-vigilance: Constantly scanning others' moods, body language, or tone to anticipate anger or rejection.

• Control issues: Attempting to control people, situations, or outcomes to feel safe or minimize anxiety.

• External validation: Relying entirely on others for self-worth, approval, and identity.

• Fear of abandonment: An intense, driving anxiety about being rejected, left behind, or unloved.

• Poor boundaries: Difficulty saying "no," protecting personal space, or separating your emotions from someone else's.

• Low self-esteem: Deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or shame.

• Martyrdom: Choosing to suffer or neglect oneself to care for others, often leading to hidden resentment.

• Emotional suppression: Hiding or ignoring your own feelings, desires, and opinions to keep the peace.

Recommend read: “CODEPENDENT NO MORE'“ by Melody Beattie.